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Just A Bad Dream?

There are many mountains and many lush green plants. Among them there is a beautiful house. I lived here. My name is Sai Sai. I lived with my father, mother and younger brother. I had been here ever since I was born. But my father never lived here for a very long time. I just thought my father just went out, may be to do some business, because he would come back after one month. For many years my father had been away for one month at a time and then he came back. When I asked my mother, she said my father was a soldier. I was not interested in hearing about that.

One day however, I remembered that he was a soldier, and I would never forget it again, because that day caused my family to separate and taught me who I am and who my father was.

That day I was very happy because my father came back. But when I looked at my mother I saw that she was gathering some things, food and money and putting them in bags. And my father was looking for something or someone outside with his anxious eyes. At that time my mother said to my father, "you take your first born son and go to the fields. I will take the little one and I will go north because there is a town near by". I was only three years old. And I didn’t understand what they were talking about. Outside the house I saw some people wearing green suits. They were holding many guns in their hands. Then they shouted at us, "Hey! Come out! We have got orders to arrest you. Don’t run away. If you run, we will shoot you".

When I heard that I got very afraid. My father looked at mother and said, "Go! Go! Take our little boy and go. I will take my first born and go now" My mother kissed me before she left. And my father said to me, "We have to go now. If we survive, one day we will meet your mother and brother again." And he carried me in a shawl on his back and ran out. As soon as we ran out, guns shot down our beautiful house.

I saw some people following us. My father said, "Don’t worry son we will escape. We won’t go to the fields; we will go to the jungle. Maybe we will be safe from harm there, but we will miss your mother and your little brother. We might have trouble because I don’t have any experience with the jungle."

One of the bullets touched a branch beside me. I was so afraid when I saw it. Sometimes they pointed their guns directly at us and shot. Fortunately those bullets didn’t touch us. They didn’t think we were people. They thought we were animals. They didn’t have any compassion. I said to my father," Father, they are still following us. I am so afraid. I missed my mother. When will we be together like before?"

"Son, they will follow us until they can arrest us. Son, you are too young to know about it".

I saw many trees besides me. Beautiful flowers, animals and trees. I didn’t know every thing was so beautiful before. I wanted only peace. I didn’t want war. I wished I could live in peace. No war, no war. The two of us my father and I were running for peace. Then we got so hungry. But we couldn’t stop running. I asked my father, "Father, where are we now?". My father said, "I don’t know where we are. It is going to be dark soon. Don’t be afraid Son, soon we will escape from harm".

"I hope so I said to myself, in my mind. My stomach was calling for food. But I didn’t tell my father because I felt sorry for him. Soon I was hungry that I couldn’t bear any longer. So, I said "Father, I am so hungry, I can’t bear it". "Yes, as soon as I see a safe place, we will rest and eat some food".

When we lived with my mother she used to tell me that we descended from Aki Tai people and had our own feudal lords. We could do everything we wanted to, and go everywhere we wanted, without paying taxes and being checked by soldiers. We got good education and had a lot of work to do. As our lord always praised educated people many people became educated. The meaning of Shan, the name of my people is "free and blessed". And She told me about our land, about how big the Shan State was before the English came and gave some of it, 2000 out of once 62,500 square miles to Burma. And she told me about how General Ne Win took over Burma and Shan State in 1962 and established his brutal dictatorship. I forgot about being hungry, being in the jungle and being afraid when I remembered what my mother had told me.

At that time my father stopped running so I looked around but it was dark to see anything. "Son, let’s take a rest and eat some food" I was so tired. Our bodies and our hands were dirty. We couldn’t wash ourselves so we had to eat our food with dirty hands. I had never eaten like that before. After we had eaten I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t because there were so many mosquitoes. We couldn’t make any fire because if the soldiers had seen us they would have killed us. They even shot at the shadow of the trees. We were also afraid of wild animals so we slept high on the tree. From time to time I heard a tiger roaring. In the morning when I touched my father his skin was so hot. I got so afraid but I couldn’t help my father. I wanted to cry because there was nobody to help us. There were only people who wanted to kill us.

There are no kind people in this world. Why? My life turned dark. All I could do was hope that my father would get better soon, and so he did. I was so happy! And then we continued our hazardous flight.

I didn’t know whether the soldiers were still following us. We had a lot of trouble in the forest but eventually after three days we came to a small village where Aikkla people live. They were also kind and generous to us. They gave us something to eat and drink.

Then my father sent me to my grandparents. At that time I was going to be four years old only. From my grandparents I heard the bad news that my father was Burmese. They told me that soldiers were following us because my father had not complied with the orders of the Burmese government. These orders were and still are true: Burmese soldiers have to marry Shan women to "burmanize" them, and that is, turn them into Burmese women.

This law says "To get married to a girl who is a merchant or a feudal lady or a rich man’s daughter is an order the soldiers must obey. Soldiers who marry such a girl will be rewarded. Those Shan people can only destroy our Burma. And they are not our nationals. So we must oppress them until they disappear from Burma. This is most important. You have to comply with that. If you do so your family can live in peace".

This way they want the soldiers to oppress the Shan people until they are all gone-killed, run away, burmanized, with our culture extinguished. They have many other ways to destroy our Shan people, to destroy our kindness, hospitality, love, our culture, religion our farmland, our villages and towns, our businesses our natural resources and our lives. The weapons they use are not only guns and bombs but also rape, torture, drugs, Aids, prostitution, armed robbery, forced relocation , slavery. And they deny us the right to education. It is sad for our Shan.

We don’t know how to defend ourselves, prevent Burmese government from destroying the Shan. We do not have education and the people who are able to tell the world what is going on in the Shan State. We don’t know how to help ourselves. We need help from others, from the outside world. Soon, soon, as soon as possible. Before our people are all gone and Shan States is no more.

When I heard the news that my father is Burmese, I saw red and my heart missed a beat. I couldn’t believe that my father was a Burmese. Why?? I was then and still am afraid of the tricks and atrocities of the Burmese government. I didn’t have the courage to face my father. But my father was gone anyway. Before he left, he had written a letter for me. In this letter he said, "Son, when you get this letter I will be far away from you. I am a Burmese soldier. If you come to know that you will hate me. But Son, you are my son and your mother is my wife . I love my family with all my heart. These words come straight from my heart. Never, ever even think that I don’t love you and your family. I love you and that is why I leave you and my beloved family. If I stay with my family you will have a lot of trouble. At first I decided that I will oppress whatever Shan is in this family but I couldn’t because I love you and your family too much. Have good luck, Son".

In the meantime my mother had taken my little brother and escaped to Thailand to live in safety and earn some money. I was lonely without my mother and my little brother, even though my grandparents love me very much. During my stay with them I one day heard the news that my father was dead. When I heard that news I got very sad because even though he was Burmese he is my father. I know I won’t forget him in all my life.

All I could do was try to forget everything and start a new life.

Sai Sai is now doing very well, safe from the brutal regime, and he is sure to be a credit to his family and his Shan people. Good Luck Sai Sai.

(This is a true story, narrated to me by my friend)

FERAYA NANGMONE  

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